Communications Divide: Adult Children vs. Their Aging Parents
As parents age into their post-retirement life cycle and their adult children mature, the subject of parent-child conversations evolves as well. When the discussion turns to Dad becoming increasingly absent-minded or Mom’s driving not what it used to be, the aging senior is often turned off and shuts down. The problem then becomes getting both sides to communicate productively toward solutions.
Typical of these problems are the adult children “taking away the car keys” or seeming to be overly determined to move the parents out of the house and into an adult care facility.
- The “kids” come to the conversations with the best of intentions.
- They are Baby Boomers, now in their fifties and early sixties.
- Their intentions may translate into intrusiveness, depending on how they approach the sensitive issue of “what to do” with their parents.
In turn, their loved ones shut down, perceiving that they are being treated like children. They have a difficult time proving that they are still capable and independent enough to make their own decisions.
- The parents have come to be called The Silent Generation because they grew up in a time when it was proper to keep their heads down and not publicly discuss feelings.
- The oldest members of this generation were born at or near the beginning of the Great Depression. They were children during World War II and came of age during the 1950s and 60s.
- The term “Silent Generation” was first documented in a 1951 Time magazine article.
Role-Reversal
Professionals in geriatrics observe that there is often a role-reversal in the parent /child dynamic when it comes time for making decisions on how to provide care for the aging senior:
“A lot of adult children have found themselves in the position of being self-appointed protectors of their parents, whom they see as vulnerable. That’s a stark reversal in parent-child roles for people in their eighties and nineties now dealing with kids in their fifties and sixties, and it may make aging parents more selective in what they choose to discuss with their adult kids.”
Dr. Marc E. Agronin, geriatric psychiatrist, Behavioral Health, Miami Jewish Health
Another leading practicing geriatrician, Dr. Andrew Lazris, says it’s a fine line between having the best of intentions and crossing over into intrusiveness and being heavy-handed. Dr. Lazris is an author of both fiction and non-fiction dealing with the tension between aging adults and a loss of control at the hands of their adult kids, their doctors, and society. When that line is crossed, it’s “time to intervene without threatening independence and pride,” says Dr. Lazris.
A root cause of the tension is a misappropriation of communications styles. When communications from the adult children turn into dictation rather than discussion, problem-solving is required. Dr. Lazris prescribes that “both sides need to accept that aging is inevitable, and that it is best done with support, not with preaching. That kind of relationship benefits both sides.”
Moreover, in making care plans, it is critical to assess each aging senior individually and not just make unilateral decisions for, or about, people. This is true for both the professional caregiver as well as the family member caregiver.
Managing Healthy Intergenerational Dynamics
The keys to arriving at and maintaining warm, loving intergenerational relationships are acceptance of the aging process and modifying styles of communication to strike the right balance. When the parents feel that their adult children are partnering with them in staking out the plan of care, there will proactive unity. Above all, it must be agreed that the aging senior is the one to make the final decision. And, that the decision can be modified by circumstances that come with aging.
Some practical tips for adult children on managing their parents aging process:
- Accept that aging is inevitable
- Put politics and disagreements aside
- Be a sounding board for concerns of aging parents
- Support, don’t preach
- Listen and reflect
- Express concerns as feedback, not instructions
- Allow aging parents to make final decision
- Empower, don’t infantilize
Finding the right balance between risk and autonomy for loved ones begins when adult children exercise understanding and patience in their communications with their elderly loved ones.
For more information on the root causes of adult child/aging parent tension and how to ease that tension, please check out a fuller description in the latest issue of Next Avenue Magazine
Also, check out an earlier blog from WFC with advice for adult siblings on strategies for providing the best care for their loved ones.